I have been learning first hand what it feels like to no longer be in control. To be depleted of the ability to muster up the strength to fight one more day.
No matter what scheme I have come up with, how hard I've tried or how much I've attempted to balance, right now it is not enough. Sometimes change requires things so much deeper than effort, talent, and work ethic. Sometimes change requires our vulnerability.
It's almost as if after breaking endless barriers I've reached a wall that I cannot get through. There is no door, and I've tried every option to break the wall, and it will not fall. Maybe its exhaustion, my body can't withstand any more impact. Maybe however, the answer is that I can no longer go on breaking through walls. At some point I need to sit in front of one long enough to understand why it is there. To know its texture, what it is made of, to feel its rigidity, search for its origin.
I've often felt barriers are there to make us stronger. Stronger by plowing through them and breaking down and rebuilding the muscles of our body and mind along the way. In a small glimmer of wisdom I'm beggining to see things differently. Sometimes those barriers are not there to be demolished, but to be respected, and understood. Maybe they need my time. Only through patience and understanding will my barriers no longer be an obstacle.
It's okay to smash through some walls, but eventually the lessons of those barriers should allow one to grow to the point that they can simply step over or float above their obstacles.
As men, facing the external world head on is scary but it is what we were programmed to do. To look challenges, difficulty and even death in the eyes and forge forward with sheer will, strength or inginuity. Facing our own demons though is another thing altogether. Grappling with our insecuritues, and our failures. Facing anxiety and depression. Getting right with God or whatever we believe brings us spiritual balance.
These are not walls we can break down. So when your tank runs empty after your mind and body have given everything, you will still be left facing yourself.
Just sit down and get comfortable, you may be here awhile.
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